Garden of Life

I wanted to write a poem that captures the continual joy and renewal and the mindfulness Springtime inspires.

In the garden of life,  where springtime blooms,
We need the azure skies and sun-kissed rooms,
A chorus of birdsong fills the air,
As tulips sway with grace and flair.

Beneath the canopy of emerald green,
A world of wonders waiting to be seen, 
Bunnies hop with joyous glee,
Embracing each moment, wild and free.

With mindful hearts and souls of aglow,
We dance to nature's rhythmic flow,
Inhaling the fragrance of blossoms bright,
Embracing the dawn’s soft, golden light.

New Beginnings whisper on the breeze,
As we wander through the forest of trees,
Each breath a reminder of life's sweet refrain,
Awakening joy in every vein.

So let us reveal in the sacred space,
Where time slows down and worries erase,
For in the realm of mindfulness divine,
Happiness blooms like the springtime vine.

With bunnies, birds, and tulips fair,
We greet each moment with love and care,
And in the Symphony of nature’s song,
We find peace for which we long. 

So let us cherish each new day,
As springtime blossoms and its own sweet way,
With mindfulness as our guiding light,
With journey onward, ever bright.

In The Garden of Life,  where dreams take flight,
We celebrate each moment, pure and bright,
For in the dance of bunnies, words, and tulips dear,
We find the magic of springtime ever near.

Put No One Out of Your Heart

The Practice:

Put No One Out Of Your Heart.

Why?

We all know people who are, ah, . . . challenging. It could be a critical parent, a bossy supervisor, a relative who has you walking on eggshells, a nice but flaky friend, a co-worker who just doesn't like you, a partner who won't keep his or her agreements, or a politician you dislike. Right now, I'm thinking of a neighbor who refused to pay his share of a fence between us.

Most of a person's hurts, disappointments, and irritations typically arise in reactions to other people.

Ironically, in order for good relationships to be so nurturing to us as human beings – who have evolved to be the most intimately relational animals on the planet – you must be so linked to others that some of them can really rattle you!

So what can you do?

Let's suppose you've tried to make things better – such as taking the high road yourself and perhaps also trying to talk things out, pin down reasonable agreements, set boundaries, etc. – but the results have been partial or nonexistent.

At this point, it's natural to close off from the other person, often accompanied by feelings of apprehension, resentment, or disdain. While the brain definitely evolved to care about "us," it also evolved to separate from, fear, exploit, and attack "them" – and those ancient neural mechanisms can quickly grab hold of you.

But what are the results? Closing off doesn't feel good. It makes your heart heavy and contracted. And it primes your brain to be more tense and reactive, which could get you into trouble, plus trigger the other person to act worse than ever.

Sometimes you do have to hang up the phone, block someone on Facebook, turn the channel on TV, or stay at a motel when visiting relatives. Sometimes you have to put someone out of your business, workgroup, holiday party list – or bed.

In extreme situations such as abuse, it may feel necessary to distance yourself utterly from another person for a while or forever; take care of yourself in such situations, and listen to that inner knowing about what's best for you. But in general: You never have to put anyone out of your heart.

How?

When your heart is open, what's that feel like? Physically, in your chest – like warmth and relaxation – and in your body altogether. Emotionally – such as empathy, compassion, and an even keel. Mentally – like keeping things in perspective, and wishing others well.

Feel the strength being openhearted, wholehearted. Be not afraid and be of good heart. Paradoxically, the most open person in a relationship is usually the strongest one.

Get a sense of your heart being expansive and inclusive, like the sky. The sky stays open to all clouds, and it isn't harmed by even the stormiest ones. Keeping your heart open makes it harder for others to upset you.

Notice that an open heart still allows for clarity about what works for you and what doesn't, as well as firmness, boundaries, and straight talk. Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and the Dalai Lama are famous for keeping their hearts open while also being very effective.

Seeing all this, make a commitment to an open heart.

In this light, be mindful of what it feels like – physically, emotionally, mentally – to have your heart closed to a particular person. Be aware of the seemingly good reasons the reactive brain/mind throws up to justify this.

Then ask yourself, given the realities of this challenging person, what would have been a better path for you? For example, maybe you should have gotten more support from others or been more self-nurturing, so you wouldn't have been as affected. Or spoken up sooner to try to prevent things from getting out of hand. Or managed your internal reactions more skillfully. Maybe you've done some things yourself to prompt the other person to be difficult. Whatever these lessons are, there's no praise or blame here, just good learning for you.

And now, if you're willing, explore opening your heart again to this person. Life's been hard to him or her, too. Nothing might change in your behavior or in the nature of the relationship. Nonetheless, you'll feel different – and better.

Last, do not put yourself out of your heart. If you knew you as another person, wouldn't you want to hold that person in your heart?

Rick Hanson - Just One Thing

On Loyalty

In my journey along this path of mindfulness practice, I have been unraveling and exploring my conditioning over the course of my life. In one of those explorations, I bumped into untangling this thing called ‘loyalty’. I found ‘my’ brand of loyalty to be a maladaptive behavior that has brought me gobs of suffering. That said, it also saved my bacon. An internal beacon began to illuminate how that habit pattern lived in a box of black and white, this or that, right or wrong, and is a paradox which often kept me stuck with a thick coat of scaly armor crusting over my body.

I saw undying loyalty as “integrity” in my mind’s eye, when I look back over these decades of my life. It unfolded for me that this brand of loyalty in this body has nothing to do with integrity, but a self-serving survival mechanism which I somehow cultivated as a kid. My brand of “loyalty" helped me navigate a world I certainly didn’t understand, and one which terrified me and riddled me with anxiety. Loyalty offered me a sense of belonging, and an illusion of safety. Safety from all that scary stuff called the unknown, isolation, a feeling of not belonging anywhere. It also led to the care and feeding of another beast called distrust. If my allegiance was so fierce as to keep me safe from the bogeyman, it also assumed that there was lots in this world which couldn’t be trusted. This awareness leaves me with a feeling in my chest of a giant egg cracking open with a mysterious bird emerging.

At the same time, I find myself trying to shake off this scaly skin of loyalty with as much enthusiasm as a dog shaking off the mud she just rolled in. So this sounds like I’m saying that loyalty is a bad thing altogether. Not so. This brand of loyalty lived in this body and morphed through the eyes a child to keep her steeped in an illusion of safety and protection. 

A compassionate and wise MBSR teacher colleague shared with me a perspective that maladaptive coping, once it enters our awareness, is something to be deeply honored, as its intention and method is self-care.  Although this kind of coping is deeply misguided, it also kept me alive and functioning to somehow navigate my world, which was without mature guidance and nurture. 

These days I think I see loyalty as a capacity to trust and listen to whatever is unfolding for another (and myself) without judgment. Loyalty to the innate wisdom we each hold in this being human. As wisdom can be, and often is, buried beneath so many layers by our conditioning, I think loyalty also asks us to be patient and trust in the mystery and simplicity of deep listening, and holding what is here for one another without doing anything. Just holding hands comes to mind. Loyalty now seems to be reaching for the faith and trust in our humanity, and accepting of however imperfect and awkward my attempts may be.

Kindness and Connection

Pondering what it is that I really long for underneath all the layers of wanting things to be different than they are, I contemplate everything that pushes my buttons. The sameness of day to day during COVID 19. One moment boredom. Another moment comparing my circumstance to others. Feeling the yammer of my to do list. Fear landing as COVID worsens everywhere across the nation and the planet and the sadness about all the death and suffering. Racial injustice. Politics. Climate. Wanting it all to disappear. Wanting, wanting, wanting things to be other than they are.

And then a moment reaching out and connecting with someone or with nature. Taking someone a meal. Going for a walk with a dear friend. Preparing a Thanksgiving meal over days immersed in the joy of cooking for others. Raking leaves and cleaning up the vegetable garden for winter. The breathtaking beauty of fall colors. Chatting with neighbors. Filling the bird feeder and watching all the birds flock to the feeder. Appreciation for my home, heat, running water, food, general safety and caring neighbors. The indulgence of yoga.

And too, navigating the very challenging terrain of meeting my old pup’s dementia along with his constantly increasing separation anxiety. Trial and error of medications and their side effects, to bring him and me some relief. Losing the stability of his legs, hit or miss, day to day. His loss of bodily control from time to time. Feeling the struggles of every variety of friends and family, and of being physically separated from loved ones and again, wanting it all to be different.

This longing, the underpinning of this longing is the yearning for heartfelt connection coming from a place of authenticity, sincerity. And not so much about receiving it, but tapping into authentic ways of being with all of this and discovering the inner resources which are innate, if I only listen attentively. All of these thoughts, perspectives and emotions, the stuff of being human. Heartfelt connection with what’s here for me and what’s here for you. Tending to my own challenges of heart with the same tenderness offered to others.

So the longing is for connection, longing for no separation between you and me, us and them. Maybe the connection doesn’t unfold in apparent big ways, but there is a ripple. When I drop the me and am simply present for you, the deep intimacy that I long for is right here in this moment. So how to practice with this? Checking in when attitude shows up, or when judgment shows up; irritation, stubbornness, drawing a line in the sand, whatever shows up, it comes with many different faces. And when all these wanting-things-to-be-otherwise arrive, I can stop and say to myself “I see you!” and pause and bring tenderness to my judgment, kindness to my opinions, kindness to your opinions and your judgments, remembering there is no separation in being human, just the causes and conditions, and the inter-fearing habit patterns landing in reactivity. In that moment of seeing clearly that aversion, attachment or deluded thinking has arrived, choice can show up simply to be kind in this moment. Kindness may show up in words or may be wordless, It might be checking in with my body language, my facial expressions, and also meeting your body language and expressions with softness, tenderness or the kindness of no reaction. An authentic caring can emerge.

And so when I meet it all with kindness, there is intimacy, connection, the thing I’m really yearning for. So I’ll end with this poem …

Kindness

Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

Seeing Good Intentions

I recently got an email from Rick Hanson's "Just One Thing" which really resonated, as this is where I am currently bringing attention in my own practice. I find myself a bit cranky, judgmental and feeling constricted more than I'd like to admit. Juggling how I relate to COVID 19, staying safe, supporting and honoring public health guidance. Participating in skillful ways to heightened awareness and responsibility related to racial injustice and the horror of our history as a nation, implicit bias, and to humanity everywhere. Seeing the stress of the economic impact of COVID 19 in my social and cultural circles and beyond. Politics. Navigating connections with family, friends and colleagues whose loved ones have lost their lives in this time of pandemic and the deep grief and sadness of not being able to engage with the rituals to which we are accustomed, to share with one another, grieve and heal. The many stresses and strains of everyday living woven into the fabric of this disease and unrest, intensifying all the experiences. A palpable fear and sadness energy which is exchanged with and from each experience I meet with others.

As I touch in to these emotions which emerge, I meet this wish for freedom from fear and connect with the question “what doesn’t feel safe?” My teacher recently reminded me that the more we feel safe, the more we open. As I cultivate this practice I can really touch in to and know directly the constriction of fear, and recognize where the creep of tension and holding when it arrives, and which can then lead me to constriction in body, thoughts and emotions. Something opens and is released when I befriend what is here, simply because it is here. This opening happens when I can allow myself to really be with it all. In that moment I can see, feel and experience the good intentions in others and myself which lies beneath the fear or whatever strong emotion brings reactivity. Being forgiving and not clinging to the story around unskillful reactions from others and from myself. In that moment I see how I can choose to know, and look for, the good intentions which underlie the the difficult realities we are all facing. In that moment I am free and able to meet my own reactivity and the reactivity of others with compassion and a gesture of kindness, and it feels more skillful and patient. I find this practice of recognizing good intentions a very powerful practice. So the invitation is to consider the good intentions, just under the surface of the reactivity we may be meeting these days in ourselves and in others.

Here’s a link to the “Just One Thing” on Seeing Good Intentions.

Be well, be safe, and be looking for good intentions.

The Practice of R.A.I.N

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
~ Rumi ~

I recently bumped into an "unexpected visitor" encountering a conflict with a friend. It pulled me into an old and sticky voice, which I hadn't heard in quite awhile. I was irritated, annoyed, disappointed and found myself stewing in those juices for awhile. A long enough "while" that I started to feel that I couldn't shake it. It was "sticky" and I was starting to get stuck. Here I was, this very human mindfulness teacher, moving into "lost and stuck" territory.

With deep gratitude for the practice of R.A.I.N., I moved into the lost and sticky territory, and into my body. Constriction in my gut, tense jaw, hands gripping. Here it all was, stress reactivity pulsing through my body. Time for RAINing! Recognizing what was happening, I began to Allow the reality of the reactivity, leaning into and gently being with all that was showing up in my body and emotions, getting instantly curious and began Investigating. What I bumped into there was sadness, and then that old belief reigniting the message "I don't belong". What did she who didn't belong need to hear?

Well in this instance, my whole body burst into laughter, seeing that old voice was still buried in the annals of my body history. In that moment I was grounded and knew the belief wasn't the reality of my life, surrounded by friends and loved ones, the tribe to which I completely and utterly belong. All those dear ones came into clear view. This was my Nurture, the Non-identification with this VERY old story. Yes, RAIN brought transformation through my stuck story and into ease and knowing the scope and depth of belonging in my life today. Ahhh, sweet sigh...

Here are a couple of resources on the practice of RAIN

RAIN: A Mindfulness Practice for Welcoming Your Emotions

Resources ~ RAIN: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture

A New Way of Seeing in the New Year

Looking into the new year, we often consider resolutions or reflect on our lives, looking for messages to guide us as we move into making decisions and choices with the unfolding of this 2016 time container. Something about this seems to involve the search for the holy grail … happiness.  So why does this happiness thing seem to be a perpetual dangling carrot, just out of reach?

Perhaps it’s our expectations.  Looking for an outcome.  Something concrete against which to measure success along the happiness scale. Especially in our culture, we tend to work within this framework of achieving some outward manifestation of a goal, or some external expression of “happiness”.  What if we have it all wrong? What if all of our best planning has been driven by someone else’s expectations? Or maybe you have been shaped by the layers of circumstances which have unfolded in your life, and those embedded layers have been created out of your reactivity to what life has handed you? What if these layers were cultivated by mindless reactivity to fear, anxiety, loss or even lots of joy and the cultivated expectation that joy should be the goal? What if these layers embedded “auto-pilot” as the way you meet your life?

So why are we still searching for the holy grail of happiness? Is it because we are so attached to outcome related to what’s happened in the past or what we think should happen in the future? Maybe we do have it all wrong. What might happen if we turned this paradigm on its head and let go of outcome altogether? Sounds like a crazy idea, but what if letting go of outcome opens an unexpected door?  How can we begin to listen inside, instead of auto-pilot reactivity to outside events AND begin to let go of outcome?

Beginning to notice the narrative we have created and which rules our lives and our choices, just might be the start to a new way of living which leads to a new way of seeing this business of happiness. We call ourselves human “beings” when in fact we may really be human “doings”. What if we lived in the present moment “being” instead of “doing”? What have we missed by all this “doing” instead of “being”?

Ah! So that’s where mindfulness comes in.

Here’s a link to a video to look into this perspective.

If you are curious to learn, through mindfulness, how your narrative, your "stories" or auto-pilot have driven you, is it time to engage in the exploration of a new paradigm of what happiness might look like to you?